Why Can't I Breathe?
by Sakura's Pointe Shoes
Summary: Sometimes what you think is going to happen plays out to be something entirely different. CHAPTER 4 is up!
1. Of Eyes, Fears and Spies

Title: "Why Can't I Breathe?" **minor S4spoilers!**

Summary: Formerly known as "Memoirs of a Broken Heart." Rewritten and heavily edited. Happy Ending this time! Based on the song "Why Can't I?" by Liz Phair.

A/N: Inspired by a scene in the movie 13 Going On 30. My ultimate fave movie! Highly recommend it, so go see it, LOL.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Spooks or its characters. I'm just having fun, no money is being made.

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**Why Can't I Breathe? -**

**By**

Sakura

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'Ruth! Ruth! This just arrived for you, it was left at the lobby, anonymously.' Jo panted, she had just run at full speed from the lobby. She stood by Ruth's station, leaning on the low wall that covered the occupant that sat at the desk. 

Ruth silenced her with a hand in the air, she was deeply focused on the computer monitor in front of her. They were in the middle of an op, Jo had such _impeccable_ timing, speaking sarcastically of course.

'Alright, give it here.' Ruth reached out an open hand, still staring at the suspected terrorist, Ahmed Baswalli, whose office they had bugged for surveillance. She did not turn to face the younger woman, she just took the note from her with unusual briskness.

Jo left as soon as Ruth gripped the note, she could tell that Ruth was rather peeved at the distraction.

Ruth watched the shifty eyed man on the monitor for a few seconds more as he sat quietly at his desk in his office fiddling with a pencil. It was hard to believe that this man was about to supervise a thermonuclear weapon sale in two hour's time.She decided that it wouldn't hurt to take her eyes off Ahmed Baswalli for a few seconds, and quickly opened the note in her palm.

_-Meet me at the Eye Sore at10:30 pm. Don't be late. Need to discuss matter of utmost importance and urgency-_

xx

And that was what it said. Ruth jumped when Zaf waltzed rather hurriedly over to her desk, trying not so subtly to read what she had in her hand. One of these days he was going to send her into cardiac arrest.

'Adam says he's in, here's a comm on his frequency,' Zaf gave her an earpiece and she put the note on the table so she could put the earpiece on.

Zaf reached over to pick it up, and out of reflex, she slapped his hand so that he dropped the note before he could read it. He put on a mock frown and held a hand over his heart.

'Oh my dear woman, you've hurt me!' Zaf was exasperating, and his cheeky disposition only irritated her further.

'So what is it? A love note?' Zaf winked and left her station before she could retort.

She exhaled moodily and turned back to her monitor, hoping inwardly that no one else would come and disrupt her while she was providing technical oversight for an operative in the field.

Ruth knew exactly who sent the note and what it meant. It was from Harry, she knew because 'The Eye Sore' was what he had unceremoniously dubbed the London Eye. She tapped the earpiece on and checked on Adam.

'How are you doing?'

His somewhat mechanical sounding reply rang in a few seconds later.

'I'm about to enter Baswalli's office.'

'Ok, inform me as you go along. I've disabled the alarm for about 10 minutes, you need to get in and out as quickly as possible. Activating the loop, now.'

She hit some keys on the keyboard and activated the loop to feed the security cameras in the corridor and the office.

She watched the screen as the door to the office opened and Adam entered. The man at the desk shot up from the chair and cried out, 'Who are you?'

Adam kept his cool as always.

'Felix Johnson. MI-5. I need some information from you Mr. Baswalli. Now, we can do this the nice way and talk here in this office, or we can do this the ugly way, and talk at an interrogation room at HQ. Which do you prefer?'

Ruth was glad to see that Adam was finally beginning to get back to his normal self. It had taken him months to get back to being himself again, Fiona's death had affected him like no other.

'What do you want to know?' Baswalli was the epitome of fear, Adam had this one in the bag.

'Good man.'

Ruth spoke once more into the comm, 'OK, Adam you've got 7 minutes.'

'I've got this one Ruth, this op's as good as done.' Adam switched off his earpiece after that, but he knew she would still watch through the monitor.

After releasing a tense breath, Ruth heard familiar footsteps tapping her way. Harry came up from behind her to check on their progress.

'How's Adam getting on?' His voice sent shivers up and down her spine.

'He's got him talking right now.' Ruth looked at him and met his eyes.

Harry was wearing that distant expression that he had whenever she was around, again. Ruth wondered what had caused the change in him.

Harry leaned down and whispered.

'I need to talk to you tonight. It's urgent-,'

'Yeah, I know I got the bloody note.' Ruth all but hissed. Harry looked at the floor and actually looked guilty for a moment. She hoped that her expression showed how hurt and angry she felt inside.

'Right then.' A raised eyebrow. She bit her lip to stifle a biting remark. He had the nerve to wonder why she was so prickly?

And he walked away.

Ruth sat back in her chair, picking the little piece of paper back up to ponder her boss-turned-friend-turned-lover's peculiar behavior of the past few weeks. She knew that their relationship was deteriorating from the inside out.

She knew that something wasn't exactly right between them, when they had the rare chance to be alone together away from the grid. He wasn't all there in his eyes when he gazed at her.

Harry had also developed a weird habit of staring at her at the most random places; like during briefings or when he was sitting in his office looking out through the glass windows. And when she met his gaze, when she realized she was being eyed up, he would look away as if he hadn't been looking in the first place.That was bound to have caused some suspicion amongst the other people on the grid.

She wished he would realize that everyone else wasn't as thick as he thought, and that they would eventually put two and two together. Not once, but twice, she had interrupted gossip sessions including Adam, Zaf, Malcom and Jo in the corridors by the Registry. She knew by the looks on each of their faces that they were talking about her and Harry.

Harry's penetrating gaze was immensely unnerving, especially when she could feel his eyes on her even when she was turned around. Ruth had heard the others talking about how he practically 'eats her with his eyes' and she assumed that was what he was doing. But it still bothered her all the same.

She felt that he was drifting father and father away from her. He didn't really talk to her anymore. But he kissed her with a newfound hunger. Was their relationship becoming solely based on desire?

Ruth didn't want to be a part of another relationship that started out with passion and ended on a bitter note. She wanted to be a part of something strong and true, which was cliche, yes, but worth it in her eyes. And she didn't want it to be with anybody, she wanted Harry, which made this all the more unbearable.

She crumpled the note and threw it into the bin. A sharp pain stung her heart.

He was going to leave her. She had ignored the obvious signs for quite a while, but now it was impossible to will away. After all of her relationships gone bad, she thought of herself as a good judge of character. Ruthshook herself and tried to focus on documenting their latest operation.It wasn't long before she felt the eyes on her again.

TBC...

A/N: Ooooh, tension...: 0 P No more writer's block, YAY! sighs I'm glad I was still able to write this, I was afraid that I would lose my inspiration after my dad ERASED all this from my computer yesterday. I've had to spend hours rewriting everything, and then edit everything in one day. Hope it was worth it.


	2. When I Think About You

Title: Why Can't I Breathe?

Summary: Memoirs with a twist, happy ending this time.

Picks up where last chapter left off! Please, review after you've read, there are 65 hits to this story and yet I've only received 3 reviews. Reviews make my day, please please please please please leave a review! Ok, enough with my begging, on with the fic!

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**Why Can't I Breathe?**

**By**

**Sakura

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Ruth had taken her time in fixing herself that night. If he was going to dump her, she figured that she would look good while it happened.

But as the wind whipped harshly around her, sending her carefully styled hair flying, she wished that she hadn't made an effort at all.

She continued walking toward the entrance to the Eye. She stayed at work quite late, there was nothing unusual about that, she left at 8:00 to get ready for her rendevous with Harry.

So here she was, braving the cold to meet him. The Thames reflected the lights from the Embankment. Soft spots of light illuminated the water, creating a deceiving atmosphere of a calm that she couldn't feel.

She neared the railings and spotted a familiar face at the top of the line. It was completely deserted except for them. She smiled a little. She knew he must have pulled some strings to provide them with some well-deserved privacy.

Ruth looked up, wincing as her neck cracked loudly, the tension in her back and shoulders were apparent.

The giant ferris wheel appeared to be functioning and operating normally. She brought her gaze back down and met Harry at the top of the line.

'You look tired.' She remarked when she saw the shadows under his soft eyes.

'You always had a gift for stating the obvious.' His tone was surprisingly playful. Ruth's lips curved into a sincere smile. He appeared to be his normal self.

She spoke way too soon. As if admonishing himself for the display of emotion, Harry immediately closed up again, the smile leaving his handsome face at once.

'Harry, what does this matter involve? You know, the one you mentioned in the note? Or shall we just watch the water flow downstream?' Ruth asked, her worries and doubts flooding back at full throttle. Harry didn't answer, he just found something interesting to stare at on the ground and stuck his hands in the pockets of his coat.

Ruth just jerked her head away with disbelief at his hesitance to get on with it.

The both of them were brought back to reality when the click and hum of the arriving capsule sounded and stopped right in front of them.

'Shall we?' Harry spoke up, motioning for her to get into the capsule. Ruth gave him a glare and reluctantly walked into the large glass capsule.

He followed her in, right before the door closed and she sat down on the seat. She took of her long scarf that warmed her slender neck, and crossed her legs, while he moved to stand by the window.

The capsule was moving long before anyone talked again. The tension in the air was so thick that you could have cut through it with a knife. Harry racked his brain for what to say. He cursed over and over again in his mind because he had planned this whole speech out, and in the end, he had forgotten all of it.

' Ruth...'

Her head leveled up to meet his eyes. He saw the apprehension in her posture, and wondered whether or not he had enough courage to do what he intended to do.

She just kept on staring at him, kept on waiting, and he felt his lips moving but no words came out. Like a goldfish flopping on the ground with no water.

'I need to tell you something, something that you may or may not want to hear–' He saw her draw in a breath to interrupt him, but he ploughed on. 'Please let me finish before speaking, it's hard enough trying to put all this in words Ruth.'

She closed her mouth and listened.

His voice was quiet and low as he continued, his palms were cool and clammy, and he was sweating nervously.

Their capsule had rose into the air, the lights and tops of buildings were visible from where he stood.

'I have reason to believe that Juliet knows about us. You know the consequences that will follow after she's reported it. It's a severe breach in protocol as we both know.'

Ruth knew that this was it. Her fears and worries were all coming true. Her inquisitive nature took control and she couldn't help asking a question.

'How? We've been so _careful.'_ She made sure to place strong emphasis on her last word. That was true, they had made sure that one always came ahead of the other to work in the mornings, they had made sure to erase all texts from both of their mobiles, and they made sure to leave the grid one by one so that no one suspected that they were going home together.

Harry adverted his gaze to the buttons on the seat.

'I don't know, maybe I mentioned your name one too many times, or she's heard the gossip around the grid, my point is that we can't do this anymore. All the secrecy, all the sneaking around every morning and night, it's taking it's toll on us Ruth.'

'If we tell them, we'll be ruined.' Ruth tried futilely to persuade him.

'Exactly. Which leaves us with one other option.'

Tears had already been flowing down her cheeks and she hadn't realized it until they rolled over her lips. She bent her head in hopes that he wouldn't see.

'Please don't cry Ruth,' He murmured, longing to envelope her in his arms, but he knew that now wasn't the right time to try and embrace her.

She cleared her throat and said, 'So this is how it's going to be?' More and more tears spilled from her eyes and dropped into her lap. She wrung her hands together distressfully, and he kneeled down in front of her to gently separate them.

'Oh Ruth, this is by no means going to be easy, but we can make it work.' He made his tone as gentle as possible, and waited for his words to absorb.

Ruth, on the other hand, could not believe it. He wanted to pretend that they had never loved at all, how could she possibly go on as if nothing had ever happened?

Fury welled up from her core and she had to stifle it by biting her lip.

'No one can ever know. At least, not now.'

Ruth frowned through her tears.

_What the..._

'Ruth, will you marry me?' He got down on one knee and removed a small black velvet box from his jacket pocket.

He opened it and inside there was a white gold, diamond encrusted engagement ring.

Ruth clutched her chest in surprise, and in an attempt to steady herself.

'You're not leaving me then?'

Harry laughed, HER Harry was back, and she fell in love with him all over again.

'Would I be asking you to marry me, if I was leaving you? Ruth it would destroy me if I ever _thought_about leaving you. I love you far too much. I can hardly breathe when I think about you, I can't speak when I talk about you, now imagine how hard that is in the middle of a meeting with Juliet.'

Ruth let out a half laughhalf sigh as shetentatively reached out and plucked the beautiful ring from it's container and slid it onto her wedding ring finger.She admired the fine craftsmanship of the piece of jewelry and smiled despite her running mascara.

'Oh god yes! Yes I'll marry you,' She joined him on the ground and fell into his open arms. Her tears of sadness were replaced by tears of joy, and her heart beat as if it had a reason to live again.

'I was so nervous, that's whyI've been acting like I have.I'm sorry I neglected you Ruth. I've been thinking about it all the time and I... We're only going to live once, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you.'

Ruth rested her head on his broad shoulder, inhaling a shaky breath, and tightened her hold on him. 'I was so sure you were leaving.' Then she removed herself from him and swatted him hard on the shoulder.

He flinched and stared at her quizzically.

'That was for being such an arsehole! Harry you have no _idea_ what I've been going through on account of your behavior!' Her eyes were soft and merry, he could tell that she was joking, well half joking anyway.

Ruth leaned in and kissed him on the lips, the affect she had on him was intoxicating as ever.

When she pulled back, she laughed again, and stood to help him off the floor of the capsule.

He put his arm comfortingly around her shoulders and she wrapped hers around his waist. They spent the rest of the ride staring out at the panoramic view. 'I'm glad you said yes...'

TBC...

A/N: One more chappy to go!

And don't forget to leave a review, you don't have to say anything fancy, just tell me what you think! The purply blue button is right there!


	3. Of Domesticity, Mothers and Hair Dryers

Title: Why Can't I Breathe? Disclaimer in the first chapter applies to this one and the second one. No money is being made, this is only for fun.

Summary: Memoirs with a twist, happy ending this time. Ok, this chapter is more on the funny side, with yet another twist thrown in there. Please enjoy!

A/N: PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE REVIEW! lol...

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**Why Can't I Breathe: Chapter 3**

**By**

**Sakura**

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This Saturday morning had started out like all the others. Sunlight streamed through the partially opened window, and the soft chirps of the birds outside were faintly audible. She lay wrapped in the bed sheets, closing her eyes and pretending to be asleep.

She sat up in bed, and was sad to see the empty space beside her where her lover should have been. She glanced at the clock on the ebonywood bedside table. It read 0900. It was time to get up.

She looked all around the bedroom, but her husband was no where in sight. She slid off the bed and put on a robe over her night gown, to go and search for him. She descended down the stairs, bare feet padding along on the smooth wooden surface, when an overwhelming scent of eggs and bacon assaulted her sense of smell.

She gagged and clapped a hand over her mouth to stop herself from being sick. The nausea had been bothering her for about two weeks now, and it had just gotten worse each morning. Eggs and bacon seemed to be the foods that she could not stand the sight or smell of.

She continued on into the kitchen, where she found him wearing a white cotton shirt and khaki pants, cooking a full breakfast for both of them. He was unaware of presence until she stepped up behind him and said 'Good Morning Harry.' He turned away from the stove and greeted her with a relaxed smile. 'Good morning. How are you feeling? Are you hungry?'

Ruth crossed her arms and wrinkled her nose as she stared at the food frying on the stove. 'I think I'll skip breakfast today, I don't know if I can hold anything down.'

'This cold of yours, it's getting worse instead of better, I want you to see a doctor tomorrow.' Harry turned back to the stove to turn of the fire. He picked up the pan and slid everything onto a plate.

Ruth watched him as he moved to set the plate on the table and smiled. She knew exactly why the nausea was getting worse and not receding. But she didn't plan on telling him until she had confirmed it with a doctor.

'Ok, I'll go first thing tomorrow morning.' The crackle of the frying bacon and eggs only reminded her of how bad morning sickness could be.

'I'll just have some crackers or something.' Ruth needed to get away from the smells. She went into the pantry and was dismayed to see that the crackers were not where she left them last. She saw chips, candy, canned soups, canned goods, and bread, but she could not find those bloody crackers.

At last, she saw them on the top shelf and fetched them with satisfaction. Ruth's strongest craving happened to be the simplest snack of all; graham crackers.

When she emerged from the pantry, Harry was on the phone with someone. He turned to face her and she heard the underlying strain in his voice. She knew that something was up. Ruth sat down at the table, crackers in hand, staring at him all the while he chatted with the mystery caller.

'Yes, We'll be here. Right, I look forward to seeing you again. Bye.' Harry hung up and put the phone back on the stand that was mounted on the wall. He sat in his chair across the table from her and casually put some eggs on his plate.

'Harry who was that?' Ruth had a feeling deep in her gut, she knew exactly who called and why.

Harry put his fork down and looked at her with dread in his eyes.

' I just got off the phone with Gail Evershed. Your mother is coming to see us.'

Ruth wanted nothing morethan to crawl back into bed and hide under the covers with Harry lying by her side. Either that or run away to Thames House to finish some minimally important reports.Her jaw dropped open and horror crept into her eyes as she recalled the first time her mum met Harry. And she did NOT want a replay of that day.

Her mum had a bad habit of speaking whatever popped into her mind, something that Ruth had inherited, but at least she knew when to stop talking. Her mother was openly honest, which was a bad thing at times, and often overly spontaneous which usually resulted in violent conflicts at family reunions.

'Ruth?'

'I wish the rest of the world would just leave us alone for a while.' Her voice was genuinely distraught and he had to laugh at her reluctance to see one of her closest family members.

Ruth opened the cracker box and took a handful. She stuffed them into her mouth and chewed grudgingly, imagining spending the rest of the day with her mother in between her and Harry.

'Let's just hope she doesn't throw another hair dryer at you.' Harry chuckled and continued with his breakfast. He definitely remembered meeting Ruth's mum for the first time. She'd been terribly shocked that he was older than her precious daughter, and had not reacted to it well. He had acquired a rather nasty bruise on his back after being pelted with a blow dryer.

'By the way, she's half an hour from here.'

Ruth dropped the box of her favorite snack and flew out of her chair.

'BUGGER!'

Harry finished his breakfast alone, listening to his wife's hurried footsteps and repeated murmurs of "bugger"as she ran upstairs to make herself look presentable.

TBC...

A/N: This is about 6 months after the proposal, and I didn't feel like writing the in between time, so just imagine that their wedding was something like jotter's wonderful fic'A day to Savour.' (grin)


	4. An Early Arrival

Chapter Three of "Why Can't I Breathe?"

A/N: OMG, I am SO SO SORRY that I haven't updated this in ages! I've had all of you faithful readers/reviewers and in seven months I haven't made a single notion to attempt to write more for this fic. So with much apologies, I am back to continue this fic.

DISCLAIMER: I dont own Harry or Ruth, or this fic would have really happened. This is just for fun and absolutely no money is being made, nor am I gaining anything from this story.

Now without any further adieu or delay (blushes) let the story continue...

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"That's the funny thing about pregnancy. Mood swings, the back pains, the CRAVINGS..." Ruth mused as she licked off the remaining peanut butter from her spoon. At that, Harry made a stifled noise that sounded suspiciously like a snort and Ruth elbowed him in response as they exchanged looks that were all too familiar to their companions. In celebration of Ruth's pregnancy, Harry had thrown her a surprise baby shower, he had invited the gang from the Grid and of course, Ruth's mother Gail, who had apparently decided that she should be civil to him on account of Ruth's 'fragile' state. They had been very busy with work during the early days of her pregnancy and when she had told him about it, it had come as a huge surprise. A father again at 53! Yes, it was a huge but welcome shock.

"How far along are you anyway, Ruth? Six, seven months?" Jo asked politely yet annoyingly naively as she sipped some of her drink. There wasn't a moment's hesitation before Ruth answered.

"Eight months and three weeks, actually, which explains why I look like I've swallowed the new GCHQ building," Ruth said jokingly, earning a few wide-eyed stares from Zaf, Adam and Jo. She smiled down at her indeed large belly and rested folded hands on top of it.

"The midwives tell me that it gets a lot worse before it gets better but I don't understand what can be worse than swollen ankles, cramps and the loss of the ability to see your own feet!" This comment elicited appreciative laughs from everyone sitting at the table except for Mrs. Evershed, who had a comment of her own. "You shouldn't be complaining, when I carried you, you were ten days late. And in the end I needed a C-section anyway, imagine that." Ruth cringed inwardly at the mention of a C-section, she wasn't a big fan of going under the blade, especially when it came to where her baby was concerned. Thankfully Harry took the initiative to steer the conversation down a different path as he could sense her discomfort.

"Hopefully everything will go alright, the due date's in a few more weeks. Shouldn't be long now." Harry leaned back in his chair and took his wife's hand under the table. She smiled to herself, glad that he was so protective of her at times. "Yes, I shall write down the exact date later so that I can be there to help," Mrs. Evershed piped in excitedly, "I'll be there every second of it to help Ruth pull through!" While her mother's heartfelt proclaimation was meant to be reassuring, nothing of the latter emotion came to mind. Harry nodded at her, hoping that she wasn't serious but Ruth knew her mother would have nothing of it. The waiter brought dessert at that moment, a small bowl of vanilla ice cream with hot fudge on the top and a brownie. Everyone dug into the delicious sweetness of the ice cream as Adam continued the conversation, and the waiter began clearing the table of everyone's lunch plates.

"Yeah, when Fiona gave birth to Wes, she was about the same size as you Ruth, and her parents came to help. In fact, she wanted me to leave at first and just have her parents there, can you believe that? The doctors almost kicked me out of the room before she changed her mind." Ruth grinned at her mind's portrayal of how Adam must have looked at that moment and then felt a litle saddened at the mention of the late Fiona. The mood seemed to have dampened a little too, as the waiter brought the check and Harry went to take care of it. In the meantime, Ruth went over the presents they had all given her again.

The first gift was from her mother, and it was 2 wool blankets that were supposed to have had the baby's name embroidered on but since they hadn't decided on a name yet, Mrs. Evershed left them untouched. She appreciated the gift and vowed silently to herself that she would use it sometime during her child's infancy. The second gift was from Adam, Jo and Zaf and was in a huge box that they had put on the floor so it wouldn't get in the way of their table. It was a carrying basket, a set of baby clothes and bottles, the necessities of child care from her three favorite people. The third present was quite odd-looking from the outside and was from Malcom, he had given it to Adam to give to her because he couldn't make it to the party. When she unwrapped it at first she was delighted to find a large jar of peanut butter with a little card stuck on the front. It read, 'I know you mentioned that there wasn't enough peanut butter in the world to satisfy you, but hopefully this jar will keep you occupied just a little bit longer. Malcom x' The last and fourth was from Catherine who also couldn't be there, she was still in Israel and according to her very busy with a new documentary. She had sent a baby themed scrap-booking kit with a kind card, she could tell that Harry was touched that his older daughter had sent something even if she couldn't be there. Despite the small amount of presents she had received, Ruth was content knowing that there were people who cared about her enough to throw her a party like this, even if she didn't want one in the first place.

Everything was winding down and Adam stood, followed by Jo and Zaf as they prepared to leave since each of them had other plans for the rest of the day. Harry stood too and saw them off out the door, insisting that Ruth stay seated 'for the baby's sake' with her mum. Ruth waved them off, a tiny bit ticked off that Harry used this as an opportunity to get away from her mum and left her behind.

"He's a good man, dear. Even if I didn't think so when I first met him, I see that he's good enough for you after all." The remark caused Ruth's eyes to fly wide open and she stared at her mum incredulously. "That's the man who you heckled for months before you so much as stopped giving him dirty looks everytime he held a door open for you!"

"Don't shout Ruth, it doesn't become you. What would your father say? If he was alive, he-"

"Oh don't make this about father, if he was still alive he would have divorced your blooming as-"

Harry had come back to find both of the Evershed women in the middle of a small row, but wasn't very surprised. Mrs. Evershed stood to her full five feet and seven inches and sniffed. Her dark blue eyes held a bit of motherly resentment and hurt, while Ruth's entire body language was that of a disrespectful daughter. If he didn't have such excellent self control, he would have chuckled at the sight of them but he knew that if this didn't stop soon, he would end up regretting inviting the Mrs.

"I suppose we could slowly start getting ready..." Both women looked up at him and suddenly he felt outnumbered. Ruth shook it off and stood, using both hands on the arms of the chair to rise and Harry moved to help her up. Mrs. Evershed had gathered most of the gifts except for the jar of crunchy peanut butter; Ruth had since unwrapping it consumed one fourth of the jar, The morose waiter who had served their group waved goodbye as the trio left the restaurant.

Harry's car was parked around the corner, they had to walk a bit before they got to it. The outside air was thick and smoggy, and the temperature was unusually hot, the weather felt more like summer than ever. Even in a breezy tank top, Ruth still felt like her skin was melting off. When she got into the car, she knew what the word 'inferno' truly meant. And to make matters worse, her mum planned on staying overnight with them. The two of them couldn't go five minutes without some kind of row popping up between them, how Ruth had grown up with this woman as a parent without killing herself had become a total mystery.

(sometime that night, and several scoops of peanut butter later)

"You should limit yourself Ruth, after your pregnancy you'll have lots of trouble working off the baby weight if you carry on like that." Mrs. Evershed warned morbidly as Ruth downed yet more peanut butter off a spoon. She had finished the jar Malcom sent and started on a smaller tub that was tiny compared to Malcom's but filled with her favorite food. She scoffed after swallowing and glared at her mum. It was 9:00 pm and Harry still wasn't home. He had gone to Thames House for a last minute briefing with the other section heads and didn't disclose to her what it was about, thus having fueled her minor depression. She had felt so cut out of the loop ever since she went on maternity leave, her job used to be her life and she remembered telling Tom Quinn that she was happy with it. That statement wasn't true anymore, now she would have a family to care for, and her job paled in comparison to that.

"My last jar, I promise." She said, screwing the cap back on and setting it beside the others that were empty on the coffe table in front of her. Ruth leaned back onto the cushions of the sofa, feeling the weight of her baby as it pressed into her back. Her hand moved absently to her abdomen and her mum made a clucking noise. "You'll make me anxious if you keep that up. I've never stopped worrying about you, you know. You're all I have left."

The remark caused Ruth to look up and meet her mum's eyes that were so similar to her own, and she saw herself reflected in their depths. She came to a guilty realization that the reason her mum bugged, nagged, and worried relentlessly about her throughout her entire life was because she loved her, even if it was a peculiar, annoying way of showing it. And what had she gotten in return? Insults, retaliation, and alienation.

Peter had been her other son, though not in blood and when he died she recalled that that was when her mother began checking up on her so often, like the time when she showed up unannounced at hers and Harry's flat one random Saturday morning months ago. There was a look in her eye that day, Ruth remembered that her mother had recognized the tell tale signs of pregnancy without her revealing so. Something to do with her unusual 'radiance' and the obvious weight gain. Harry didn't pick up on her mum's perceptiveness, it was something only a mother and daughter could share.

"Well, I'm off to bed, I have a long drive tomorrow morning. Goodnight Ruth." She stood and stretched, but before she could leave Ruth stopped her. For the first time in ten years, Ruth said something she didn't think she would ever say to her mum again.

"I love you mum. And I'm really, very sorry that I got short with you earlier." She was met with silence for a moment, but she noticed the tears welling up in her mum's normally piercing eyes.

"I love you too Ruth." She kissed her daughter on the forehead and made her way up the stairs to her temporary bedroom, leaving Ruth alone in the sitting room with her thoughts. They began to drift in another direction, like where the hell her husband could be at this time of night. He'd been gone for hours and she hadn't received any calls from him which was weird because he made a habit of letting her know where he was at all times in case she needed him. A strangled gasp worked its way out of her dry throat, as her legs began to cramp up. "Damn it," she muttered when she tried to bend her body so she could reach her legs to massage them but she had no such luck. Another shooting pain surged through her body except this time it traveled quickly down her spine, a result of the position she attempted to assume. On top of that, the outside temperature hadn't really cooled down and she still felt as though her face was melting off. "Oh, damn it all to HELL!"

That was where Harry found Ruth. Embarrassment set in and an angry blush spread through her cheeks that were pale and ashy moments before as she huffed indignantly. And he hadn't even said anything yet.

"If this is going to be another 'for the baby' lectures, don't waste your breath." Harry sat on the arm of the sofa with his trademark expression, a raised eyebrow and a tilted mouth. "I was only going to apologize for not getting back early like I said. The meeting took longer than we anticipated and some complications came up." Ruth sighed and leaned against him, burying her face in the crook of his arm. Her response was somewhat muffled.

"Oh, Im sorry Harry. It's just..." She felt him tense and place his hands on her shoulders as he asked urgently, "Are you alright? What about the baby?" She faced him and smiled.

"We're fine. Both of us. It's my back that's killing me. She's sitting right on my sciatic nerve!" Ruth felt rather than heard his deep chuckle as she wrapped both arms around him and resumed her former position. She was a tiny bit discouraged when he disentagled himself from her embrace but was rewarded when he slipped his hands beneath her shirt and began massaging her shoulders. She was so focused on her back pains that she didn't realize how tightly coiled her shoulder muscles were.

Harry's thumbs pressed gently into her skin, eliciting tiny pin pricks of delicious pain that slowly and eventually turned into pleasure. She leaned back into his touch, selfishly welcoming what he was giving her. His warm hands moved down from her shoulders to her mid back. The initial shock of pressure caused her to arch her back but she relaxed again once she grew accustomed to the feel.

"So how's your mother?"

"Huh?" She opened her eyes that had been half closed, and tried to grasp what he was saying. "I asked you your mother is." Ruth couldn't see him but she knew she would find a smug look on his face if she turned around and looked. Another one of his habits was taking pleasure in pleasing her, and his massage was definitely getting the job done.

"She's...sleeping. Oh, yes right there..." She shut her eyes again as he found a particularly tense knot in her back and began to work it over.

"You two didn't rip each other to shreds while I was gone?" Ruth smiled as she thought of their simple yet touching reconciliation. Never in a million years would she have seen that one coming. "No, actually. It's all rather pleasant now."

"Really? That's good to hear." She nodded as she finally let go and allowed herself to enjoy what he was doing for her. Harry didn't ask her to elaborate, he sensed that something significant had happened and he didn't want to be nosy. She'd tell him later.

"Harry?"

"Yes?"

"We haven't thought of a name. For our daughter." He remained silent for a moment as she moved away from him so he could sit next to her. She patted the space beside her as he gladly settled into the sofa. "We haven't really had a serious discussion I suppose."

"No," She muttered softly as he wrapped an arm around her, and she rested her head on his shoulder. "I was thinking something like...Juliet?"

"Now I know something's definitely wrong with you." Harry muttered, thinking of the woman Ruth was referring to. " I was joking!" He gave her a teasing squeeze and they both laughed. "Maybe...Anna. Or Sara."

"Elizabeth?" He looked at her and they both said "Nah..."

"Isabelle." Ruth said suddenly. Harry considered it for a moment and smiled. "I like it." Ruth nodded triumphantly. "Isabelle it is then."

"It's not as if we have to rule out all the other ones we like. We'll use them for the next baby." Harry said suggestively. Ruth grinned and tried not to get herself too worked up. She was after all nearly nine months pregnant in the way.

She giggled and elbowed him, he shrugged but the look on his face didn't go away. "Now, now, control yourself, my husband. Remember the doctor said we can't have anything like that, not when it's so close..." Harry smiled and held her a bit tighter. "I am, aren't I."

"What?"

"Your husband. I like how you say it, say it again please."

"My...husband." Ruth kissed his cheek and smiled dreamily.

They sat in comfortable silence, each pondering their seemingly perfect new world, and the reality of it all. He put a gentle hand on her belly, hoping to feel their child quicken but there was nothing. A frown creased his face as she plucked his hand from her stomach. "You're going to make her kick, and she's been very good lately." As if on cue, Ruth felt a tiny yet powerful kick from the child inside her. Apparently he felt it too, and a look came over his face. She guessed that it was something along the lines of pride.

"She hasn't been as active has she?" Ruth rolled her eyes and snuggled further into him. She never really understood why men gave off so much body heat, even though she found it quite nice most of the time. "Well, I think she's beginning to position herself headfirst, so she has less room to move."

There was silence for a few moments, with only the grandfather clock ticking in the background.

"Sometimes I feel guilty for...this." She met his indeed remorseful gaze as if trying to decipher what he was trying to say, so she finished his sentence.

"What, for knocking me up?"

"Must you put everything so crudely?" He snapped and then apologized. "You look so uncomfortable all the time. I wish I could spare you the pain." Ruth smiled at him, knowing that he was being truthful if not a bit silly. "Harry, carrying your baby is a pleasure. I don't know how I can convince you, but believe me I wouldn't trade anything in the world for this." She moved his hand back up to her round belly and he felt their daughter give supportive kicks as if to emphasize her mother's point.

"Tell me what you want Ruth, what you really, really want. I want to make you happy."

"You already are making me happy. You're all I ever wanted really, the baby is a gigantic bonus," this brought a boyish, almost shy smile to his face, "But in the mean time, could you go out to the store tomorrow morning and get me some more crunchy peanut butter? And keep on massaging me, you're so good at that."

Harry leaned in and met her lips, chuckling into her mouth. Ruth returned the favor and opened herself up to him. Her life right now just couldn't get any better.

Harry pulled away when she sat up ramrod straight.

Ruth made a 'umph' noise as she grabbed her stomach. A searing pain rippled through her, one that she realized was probably her first contraction. She could feel the tell-tale amniotic sac breaking and releasing the fluid in a heated gush.

"Wha...what the hell! This is happening too early! Harry, get my mum-"

Her normally unflappable, Section-head of a husband was flapped and completely useless. He sat beside her, fear filling his eyes as she shouted louder this time.

"HAROLD BARTHOLOMEW PEARCE, IF YOU DON'T MOVE YOUR ASS SOON I'M GOING TO HAVE _YOUR_ CHILD ON THIS SOFA!" She seemed to break through to him as he sprang up and quickly disappeared up the stairs in search of Mrs. Evershed. Ruth gripped a cushion with white knuckles as the first pain slowly subsided but then was replaced with a second, more powerful contraction.

It was going to be a very long night.

TBC

A/N: Please r and r! Once again, much apologies for not updating sooner!


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